It rains and it pours

There is this saying that when it rains, it pours…damn it is soooo true. My previous blogs were mostly about my fear, now its another thing..

A week after my son left the house, my dear daughter got sick, and that day (Saturday) was just terrible, it was a nightmare for me. I was panic stricken, as I thought i would lose her, we rushed her to the doctor and was diagnosed to have complexed ruptured eardrum due to her colds, the day after that incident my son started complaining of muscle pains and started to have low grade fever. Come monday, he started having dizzy spells and fever started to rise to a soaring high. That same day, it came out on the news that UST had 2 cases of this damn A(h1n1)virus. And worst, the students found to be positive with the said virus were in the same bldg that my son was in. UST has not made any move about this, they did not suspend classes neither did they do any random check on students. Damn that school! Anyway, my son is now getting all the symptoms, so he was rushed to UST hospital and surprisingly, they did not do any medical checkup but just asked several questions and asked him to rush to san lazaro hospital instead for the swab test, my son, along with his cousin went to the said hospital and was given the swab test and was asked to wait til saturday for the results, he was not prescribed any medicine but was just advised to go on self quarantine, dang! The test was conducted yesterday, tuesday (june 25) and we have to wait for 3-4 days for the result, geez thats 4 looong fucking days! anything can happen in between those days, and all we have to do is just wait! Fuck! and here i am tortured on how my son is doing, my only means to know whats happening is through text/call…how frustrating this is for me. I want to see my son!

I dont know if I can hold on any longer, these problems seem to come endlessly, I need strength and dont know if i can still go on and think sanely on the right thing to do. I mentioned this in my previous blogs several times, I am a mom, and now its sinking that being a mom (a single mom that is) is not as easy as i thought it was. I admit, I am now at my weakest, I am helpless and drained. Tears and words of comfort from dear friends is all that i have right now, I hope its enough to armor me with the strength that i badly need. It is in these very trying times that i yearn for my parents immensely, God i wish my mom and dad were here with me to assure me that everything will be alright. Last night, i was crying while praying to God to extend his healing power to my son, I cried out for my mom and dad to help me reach the lines to heaven as I feel that God is not listening to all my prayers, i feel so hopeless, desolated, forlorned and just so tired….im tired of seeing my kids in this situation, I wish I could just take all their pain away, if i can only carry everything for them, without batting an eyelash, I WOULD! I hope God spares my kids from pain….if He can only assure me of this, Im willing to live a life of pain, just to see my kids happy and safe….I hope this rain stops….i dont think i can take more of it…..

Living the fear

Well just to continue on my previous blogs about this journey of mine in letting go of my son, here is the story of what happened…..

So last june 13, my son finally left home. Since it was my birthday, I asked my kids if we could possibly dine out, of course they agreed…they loved the idea in fact…however, my son reminded me that he had to leave early, I guess that somehow preempted my plans of asking them to watch a movie (the truth is I was trying to delay time so that he would change his mind of leaving the following day instead, obviously, it didnt work). Anyway, as we were eating, my son, surprisingly didnt have the appetite to gorge himself with his favorite dish, he ordered just a light meal and was secretly glancing at us as we ate. He took pictures of me and her sister and was extremely quiet. I, on the other hand, tried hard not to look at him for fear that I might break down right that moment. I tried cracking out jokes which i know turned out to be a slapstick.

After the meal, we went around, bought some stuff and just enjoyed the bonding moment we were having, then it was time to go home. When we entered the house, awkward silence prevailed, then my son sat in front of the pc and started his usual browsing, I laid down and was happy coz in my mind i knew he would be glued to his seat again and forget time. But unfortunately, it didnt happen, he stood up and said…”ma maliligo nako then aalis nako” my heart was beating so fast and was wishing time would slow down, i tried hard to stop the tears from falling, so i closed my eyes and probably dozed off for a few minutes. I was awakened by a kiss on my forehead and a whisper from him saying,”ma, happy birthday, i love you” then i opened my eyes and saw him all set to leave. I was just quiet and hugged him tightly and told him to take care, I couldnt say more coz i was already shaking and i guess he sensed that so he pulled away and called his sister and hugged and kissed her too. Then he jokingly said “bye ma, see you when i see you”….i just smiled and looked down.

When I heard the front door close, i ran to the window and peeked through, (wrong move on my end, i shouldnt have done so) I saw my son, looking back several times while he drew deep breaths and slowly walked away, when he was no longer in sight, that was when i gave in to tears. I couldnt stop crying, it was so painful seeing him go. I cried and cried until i fell asleep. When I woke up late at night the pain ensued.

Come june 15, I went to work wearing the usual smile and did the normal stuff. When I went home, that creepy feeling of loneliness came back. It was my daughter’s first day of school so I was left home, alone! As i entered my room, i heard nothing but the sound of the cars passing by, it was deafening for me. I tried to sleep but i just couldnt. My son texted me saying he wanted to go home and he missed us so much. There were things that he said that broke my heart. But then he was still positive, he told me, “ma, 4 na taon lang to mabilis din lilipas to magtatapos ako ng pagaaral ko because i want to be somebody someday, and you’ll be proud of me.” I know my son is just a few hours away from us and some of you might even say, “ang OA naman he can come home on weekends” at first I thought of that too but my son said, he couldnt come home on weekends because he has saturday classes and so I said we can come over to visit, he said it was ok but he was discouraging me from doing so because he says it will only make us miss each other more, so we agreed that we would meet probably once a month…and that for me my dear readers is hard….the longest time we’ve been apart was 2 days and i missed him tremendously then…i know i will get used to this, but its just hard for me at this point, so i just write these feelings down. Writing for me has always been a therapy, it keeps my mind off things. Oh well, I guess im just a mom who is so clingy to her kids…heck! i raised them all by myself and they have always been my source of strength and have always been inseparable…my son is right, after all these, we would all end up victorious….it would probably be a struggle as we journey on but like he said, ” Mom, believe me, its all going to be worth it!” AMEN!

My fear is finally taking place

Just a few months back, I wrote a blog about my son, Dj. It was all about my fear being at arm’s reach, sad to say, the time has finally come….Damnit, its not easy! I have been preparing myself for this for the longest time but i find myself falling on my knees and pleading to the Lord almighty to stop the hands of time, but of course that is not possible. Im sure Im not the only one who’s experiencing this unique form of heartbreak. Its not unrequited love–its the bittersweet act of sending a child off to college. If im not mistaken, i think they call this empty nest syndrome, this syndrome attacks even the most independednt women, i guess this is one of the biggest transitions of motherhood, next to childbirth of course.

On saturday, June 13, 2009,(my bday) is the day i wish would never come, my son, will be moving out and will be starting his college life. It is so gratifying to see that the child you’ve raised is finally making his own decisions about his future. I am happy and excited for him and at the same time, sad….extremely sad in fact..i wonder how our lives would be when we start living away from each other and not even knowing when he will come to visit….Letting go of him has been a gradual process over the years, I know he is ready but Im scared, freakin scared of the things he would deal with when he’s “out” there..the concerns just keep coming and will always be there.., 20yrs from now, i will still have concerns. Parents always have concerns, but these concerns change over time. And being the paranoid mom that I am you can expect heaps and heaps of these concerns…poor kids!lol…

People very close to me would know how erratic my relationship is with my son, damn! it sure is a love-hate relationship, we always have this seemingly habitual fights, its just second to nature BUT despite this relationship we are both aware of the love that we have for each other, he knows that HE is MY LIFE! and he knows when im in pain, he knows when im silently crying for help. And he knows that right at this moment Im helpless and lonely, I guess he has been helping me out by staying away from me. I know he will miss his nest, his mom, his enemy, his sister…his comfort zone. Everytime I look at him when he sleeps, i just break down and weep for hours and end it with a kiss on his forehead, in 2 days, I wont be able to do that anymore, all I can do is whisper into thin air my goodnight wishes and blow my goodnight kiss….it IS painful….sooo painful! I have to let this big lump in my chest out…as i write this blog, tears are just endless..i hope i run out of it and just be numb until he leaves…..to my dear son….soar high and reach for your dreams, we’ll always be the wind beneath your wings….love you beng!

Magnum Opus

If he loved me

Wouldn’t he show it

If he loved me

Wouldn’t I know it

If he kissed me

My world wouldn’t shatter

My life is a canvas

Covered in splatters

Not quite mistakes

But not purposeful either

The decisions I made

Are laid out before me

In a colorful array

My mistakes are

In shades of gray

The painting is on display

And I am told many times

That’s my magnum opus

Isn’t worth a dime

Maybe not to them

But it is to me

My life’s laid out

For the world to see

And they will say

What they may

I will listen and reply

From this day on to the day I die

Those different kinds of paints and dyes

Represent me during life

And they’ll represent me after I die.

Rainbow

Im back! well actually i was just forced to write a blog, a friend of mine kept nagging me to write a blog about rainbows, she wanted me to post it in fb but i opted to just write here as this was where I have always put my ridicules in writing….i dont know if I would make sense in this entry coz im quite a scattered brain at the moment, and my gosh of all topics, a rainbow?!? for cryin out loud I couldnt even recal the last time I saw a rainbow, anyway, i’l try my darnest best not to sound stupid and try to put some sense in it, so dear readers pardon me if sound silly here….lol

Well, we do know that rainbows appear after a storm and are a direct result of the refraction of light (like when the sun peeks through the clouds), they are often used to symbolize hope after a tragic event (like the loss of a loved one) or something more internal, like a deep inner struggle of some sort. (well sorry to say but I never had any inch of hope when i lost my loved ones) Anyway, they’ve been used throughout history to convey various messages, always positive due to their uplifting nature. They are often used as a symbol for good fortune, like in the popular Irish myth about the leprechaun and his pot of gold. In the Bible, the rainbow symbolizes God’s promise that the earth will never again be destroyed by a great flood. But I dont wanna delve into Bible issues as Im no bible scholar, that part i leave to my son, and in this case, its no like mother like son….lol ….says a lot huh??

Another popular use for the rainbow is to symbolize diversity. A rainbow occurs when a single beam of white light is separated in to its elemental colors, so it is a strong representation of people of all different backgrounds living in harmony with one another. Because it is a naturally occurring phenomena and every color is equally important in the composition, it emphasizes the idea that all people - regardless of where they come from or what they look like - are equal, and really just a “subsection” of one race - humanity

Sometimes the rainbow is used symbolically due to its intangible quality. It is human nature to want what we can’t have, so the short life of a rainbow adds to its allure. It is literally impossible to reach, but it holds such an ethereal beauty that people would seek it out anyway, perhaps with some fleeting hope of obtaining the impossible. It is true there are things in life which we think is hard or moreso impossible to obtain but a rainbow is there to keep us reminded that nothing is impossible with hope and sheer determination we CAN get there.

In life, perplexities, pain, loneliness, remorse are all inevitable. We go through these emotions at any given time, huh! talk about those, ive had a handful but I still went on, hell, I HAD to go on. I try to keep a happy disposition…..i repeat…I TRY! and just like the rainbow, sometimes we think that happiness hardly occurs, well I learned that everyday, we have the choice to live life fully its all in our hands. Never lose hope that after every loss(yup, now ive proven its true), a birth is soon to come….it comes in any form….and it happens at the right time just like the rainbow it is rarely seen but it shows at the right time. Live a life that makes a difference! Ciao!