Just a few months back, I wrote a blog about my son, Dj. It was all about my fear being at arm’s reach, sad to say, the time has finally come….Damnit, its not easy! I have been preparing myself for this for the longest time but i find myself falling on my knees and pleading to the Lord almighty to stop the hands of time, but of course that is not possible. Im sure Im not the only one who’s experiencing this unique form of heartbreak. Its not unrequited love–its the bittersweet act of sending a child off to college. If im not mistaken, i think they call this empty nest syndrome, this syndrome attacks even the most independednt women, i guess this is one of the biggest transitions of motherhood, next to childbirth of course.
On saturday, June 13, 2009,(my bday) is the day i wish would never come, my son, will be moving out and will be starting his college life. It is so gratifying to see that the child you’ve raised is finally making his own decisions about his future. I am happy and excited for him and at the same time, sad….extremely sad in fact..i wonder how our lives would be when we start living away from each other and not even knowing when he will come to visit….Letting go of him has been a gradual process over the years, I know he is ready but Im scared, freakin scared of the things he would deal with when he’s “out” there..the concerns just keep coming and will always be there.., 20yrs from now, i will still have concerns. Parents always have concerns, but these concerns change over time. And being the paranoid mom that I am you can expect heaps and heaps of these concerns…poor kids!lol…
People very close to me would know how erratic my relationship is with my son, damn! it sure is a love-hate relationship, we always have this seemingly habitual fights, its just second to nature BUT despite this relationship we are both aware of the love that we have for each other, he knows that HE is MY LIFE! and he knows when im in pain, he knows when im silently crying for help. And he knows that right at this moment Im helpless and lonely, I guess he has been helping me out by staying away from me. I know he will miss his nest, his mom, his enemy, his sister…his comfort zone. Everytime I look at him when he sleeps, i just break down and weep for hours and end it with a kiss on his forehead, in 2 days, I wont be able to do that anymore, all I can do is whisper into thin air my goodnight wishes and blow my goodnight kiss….it IS painful….sooo painful! I have to let this big lump in my chest out…as i write this blog, tears are just endless..i hope i run out of it and just be numb until he leaves…..to my dear son….soar high and reach for your dreams, we’ll always be the wind beneath your wings….love you beng!
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