To my dear son, Deejay.....

Today, at exactly 6:30 am my son dropped by my office to get some of his stuff and handed to me this invite which brought me to tears. He informed me about this a week ago but i guess it didnt sink in that much. But as I saw the invite, my hands were trembling and tears began to fall, its not like as if its something new, as he has always brought me honor and has always made me proud. On the 21st of September my son will be one of the recipients for their recognition day for outstanding students and special awardees... I dont know for some reason, this accomplishment seems to be the greatest so far.....all the struggles seem to have made a speedy flashback in my mind. Rearing a child on your own is definitely not an easy task, there were a couple of times when I just wanted to scream and give up, but at moments like these there's this bolt that seems to boost me to go on and fight all the challenges that we both will be faced with. I cant help but admire my son for the determination that he has shown, i just cant help but wonder how an 18 yr old kid can muster unyielding strength to go on with a very positive attitude. I know that living away from home is tough but yet he managed to pull through on his own and this definitely is not sheer luck! Two years back when I had to set him free for college life I feared a lot of things, that he might start doing the things I did when I was his age. But thank god that he has turned out to be the complete opposite, he remains to be the responsible, loving and God-fearing child he has always been.....

To my dearest son, I truly am proud, not just for this honor that you have once again given me, but i am so proud that you have turned out to be more than what i have expected you to be, wish i had the same strength, the same attitude, the same vigor to go on and face what lies ahead. You have gone through so much, sacrificed a great deal, i know you have missed out on a lot of things that normal teenagers go through, you have devoted most of your life in serving the Lord but i vividly recall you said that it is in your service that you find happiness and fulfillment, keep it up! Remember this, there will be days when things will get even tougher, roads will seem narrower, lights will be dimmer but now allow me to tell you what you once said to me that in times when i just throw my hands in surrender and say "I give up!" You always tell me to hang on and that things will be ok so now i say to you, "hang on, 2 more years and all your hard work will surely pay-off" Despite the absence of some people in your life, you have managed to keep so much love and respect in your heart and I hope that these people will realize in time what they have missed out on......Im not asking you to bring me more medals and recognition coz for me you have long brought me the biggest medal ever and thats the achievement of being a great son!! I love you so much and that love will see you and guide you through all the perplexities, the hurt, the triumphs and all the success you will encounter....Together, we're gonna make it through! Congratulations!

Another fear is in the offing........

Just a few months back I wrote a blog regarding my son. It was all about a mother's fear setting her kid off to college life. This blog is cohered to that. Anyway, a few weeks ago, I got word that my son was chosen by the university to apply for the Study Abroad program. He is being geared to study in California for two years. When I got the text from the school I was stupefied, it was like the world was put to a halt. I was speechless for awhile and my mind went blank....

Shortly thereafter, my son texted me telling me the same thing and likewise asked if I would give him the permission to study abroad. So I asked him, if he would like to and he unyieldingly said yes. As soon as I got home, thats when it all sank in. It will still be in a year's time though. However, thinking about how things will be then just gives me the creeps. Tears (again) kept falling. Im still adjusting w/ our current setup, him having to come home once in awhile. There were times that he couldnt come home for 3 weeks due to his busy schedule. And during those times My heart just goes in shambles because I miss him sooo badly. He would often send me a msg that he misses us so much and that he wants to come home, he misses his bed, he misses my cooking, he misses goofing around with us and he simply misses the warmth of his own home. And hearing those from him just breaks my heart. But like he would often say, Mom this is just part of the entire "growing up" thing, so we have to live with it. Yeah I said to myself it IS part of it. Besides, we can always come over to visit. But now that this opportunity came, things will definitely be different. He will be thousands of miles away from us. And this will be for 2 long agonizing years. I wonder how life would be when that time comes. I still have a year to be with him and making the most out of it would somehow be a constraint considering the "few times" we spend together. Oh geez, I pray to God that when that time comes, the Lord Almighty will just equip me with the strength to see him go and be on his own. I have always been clingy when it comes to my kids...who wouldnt be? theyre the only ones ive got!! I sometimes ask is love really this way??? does it always have to be allied with pain??? I know my kids deserve nothing but the best, but giving them the best means tearing your heart into pieces. And they say moms are expected to do everything just to give them the so-called "best"....yeah the struggles of being a mom....I just hope I still have the remains of my heart after all these have passed. The way its been going my heart has been torn countless times but I have no regrets, I dont mind giving until nothing is left of me, just as long as I see the people I love in a better place. Thats the story and thats the glory of love!!!

...USED vs. LOVED

While a man was polishing his new car, his 4 yr old son picked up a stone and scratched lines on the side of the car. In anger, the man took the child's hand and hit it many times; not realizing he was using a
wrench. At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures. When the child saw his father.....with painful eyes he asked, 'Dad when will my fingers grow back?' The man was so hurt and speechless;he went back to his car and kicked it a lot of times. Devastated by his own actions..... ..sitting in front of that car he looked at the scratches; the child had written 'LOVE YOU DAD'.

The next day that man committed suicide. . . Anger and Love have no limits;choose the latter to have a beautiful, lovely life.....

My thoughts on this story:

Things are to be used and people are to be loved, But the problem in today's world is that, People are used and things are loved....During this year, let's be careful to keep this thought in mind: Things are to be used, but People are to be loved ... Be yourself.... ..This is the only day we HAVE.

Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits they become character; Watch your character; it becomes your destiny. And we choose our destiny so make your choices right by doing the right thing......ciao!

LET IT GO....I CAN SO RELATE TO THIS ONE

By: T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell
you this!
When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another
person into staying with you, loving you, calling you,
caring about you, coming
to see you, staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from
you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody
that left.
The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made
manifest that they were
not for us.
For had they been of us, no doubt they would
have continued with us.
[1 John 2:19]

People leave you because
they are not joined to
you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make
them stay. Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that
they are a bad person it
just means that their part in the story is over. And
you've got to know when
people's part in your story is over so that you
don't keep trying to raise the
dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've
got to know when it's over.
Let me tell you something.
I've got the gift of good-bye.
It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye.
It's not that
I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful,
and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give
it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't
belong to you and was never intended for your life, then
you need to......LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to
past hurts and pains......LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat
you right, love you back,
and see your worth.....LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you.
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to
some thoughts of evil and
revenge......LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a
wrong relationship or
addiction......LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a
job that no longer
meets your needs or
talents.....LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad
attitude.......LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others
to make yourself feel
better......LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the
past and God is trying to
take you to a new level in
Him.......LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with
the healing of a broken
relationship........LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help
someone who won't even
try to help themselves.....LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling
depressed and stressed..........LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular
situation that you are so
used to handling yourself and God is saying 'take your
hands off of it,' then you need to.......LET IT GO!!!

'The Battle is the Lord's!

My footsteps will be guided to yours soon....

Its been awhile since ive put my ridicule into writing. Writing has always been a therapy for me, when the going gets tough, i just find myself looking for ways to express my thoughts, feelings, sentiments......

In our lives, we reach a point when we feel we need to grow, we need to reach for a higher star. I've been with duzon for more than 3 years now. I vividly remember I was so uncertain if i made the right choice of working in this company, this was a totally different world for me, hence, everything and everyone was a stranger to me. Shortly after, I met a few acquaintances, who eventually became friends....Days, months, years passed by, more friends came, who eventually became an integral part of my life. They were the ones who listened to all my follies, my woes, my blues, my triumphs. Friends who shared the same feeling, friends who told me both what i wanted and i was afraid to hear. They became my heart and soul......

As i continue my life journey, opportunities came...decisions had to made, steps and measures had to be taken. But in the course of going through these things, sacrifices have to be made as well. I am now about to take a big step forward, hopefully meeting higher grounds, but sad to say, I have to leave certain people, people who I have loved so dearly, the very same people who became my heart and soul.

Saying goodbye is and was NEVER easy!!! as everything draws to a close, breathing gets harder, lumps in the chest gets bigger, the feeling of loneliness becomes inevitable. No matter how things may seem brighter from afar, bidding goodbye is still the hardest for me. I have confessed so many times,Im an awful mess when it comes to goodbyes. I will surely miss the camaraderie, the stories, the laughter, the genuine friendship, the tears but most of all the love we all have shared for each other..... Ive often heard people say that in this instance we never say goodbye but til we meet again......

Im tired.....

Its been soooooo long since I last tried blogging and like I said in my previous blogs, I usually find the urge to write when my emotions are on extremes, either I feel ecstatic or feeling rather really low, unfortunately, as i write this blog, I am at my lowest......

How do i begin?maybe it would be better if i start giving a background on how everything started. To begin with, this is all about the matters of my heart. Many years back, I met this guy who I never thought would be an integral part of my life. We started out as merely textmates, he was a complete stranger to me. He just sent me this message from friendster (boooo ya soooo outdated) anyhoo, we exchanged messages and eventually led on to exchanging numbers and became textmates. After a few weeks of texting each other, he just stopped. During those times I was in a middle of a relationship, which was then on the rocks. So when I finally ended that relationship, suddenly he started sending me messages again. Until that day when we finally met. He wasnt my type, I mean I wasnt attracted to him at first, I didnt get those butterflies in the stomach, no ringing bells in my ears neither were there goosebumps. It was just a typical meeting. So we went on that way, and occassionally we saw each other. Time went by and we got closer. For more than a year, everything between us was just platonic. He became my best friend. Now here goes the sad part...........unexpectedly, I fell for him. Never have I planned falling for him....

Years went by, the struggle of trying to let go of him ensued. I was hurt several times upon learning of different women entering his life. Yet, I continued loving him in silence. Unrequited love is definitely the hardest thing one can ever go through.

Now, I feel I'm slowly getting tired. Tired from all the hurt, rejection and all the other things that would make you feel that you are nothing in the life of that person you have fallen for. I have always prayed for strength to finally have the guts to just walk away. I need to, I have to and I must!! True some things are easier said than done..........I wish I knew how to just go and leave without turning back, without falling weak and without regretting what might have been.........

It rains and it pours

There is this saying that when it rains, it pours…damn it is soooo true. My previous blogs were mostly about my fear, now its another thing..

A week after my son left the house, my dear daughter got sick, and that day (Saturday) was just terrible, it was a nightmare for me. I was panic stricken, as I thought i would lose her, we rushed her to the doctor and was diagnosed to have complexed ruptured eardrum due to her colds, the day after that incident my son started complaining of muscle pains and started to have low grade fever. Come monday, he started having dizzy spells and fever started to rise to a soaring high. That same day, it came out on the news that UST had 2 cases of this damn A(h1n1)virus. And worst, the students found to be positive with the said virus were in the same bldg that my son was in. UST has not made any move about this, they did not suspend classes neither did they do any random check on students. Damn that school! Anyway, my son is now getting all the symptoms, so he was rushed to UST hospital and surprisingly, they did not do any medical checkup but just asked several questions and asked him to rush to san lazaro hospital instead for the swab test, my son, along with his cousin went to the said hospital and was given the swab test and was asked to wait til saturday for the results, he was not prescribed any medicine but was just advised to go on self quarantine, dang! The test was conducted yesterday, tuesday (june 25) and we have to wait for 3-4 days for the result, geez thats 4 looong fucking days! anything can happen in between those days, and all we have to do is just wait! Fuck! and here i am tortured on how my son is doing, my only means to know whats happening is through text/call…how frustrating this is for me. I want to see my son!

I dont know if I can hold on any longer, these problems seem to come endlessly, I need strength and dont know if i can still go on and think sanely on the right thing to do. I mentioned this in my previous blogs several times, I am a mom, and now its sinking that being a mom (a single mom that is) is not as easy as i thought it was. I admit, I am now at my weakest, I am helpless and drained. Tears and words of comfort from dear friends is all that i have right now, I hope its enough to armor me with the strength that i badly need. It is in these very trying times that i yearn for my parents immensely, God i wish my mom and dad were here with me to assure me that everything will be alright. Last night, i was crying while praying to God to extend his healing power to my son, I cried out for my mom and dad to help me reach the lines to heaven as I feel that God is not listening to all my prayers, i feel so hopeless, desolated, forlorned and just so tired….im tired of seeing my kids in this situation, I wish I could just take all their pain away, if i can only carry everything for them, without batting an eyelash, I WOULD! I hope God spares my kids from pain….if He can only assure me of this, Im willing to live a life of pain, just to see my kids happy and safe….I hope this rain stops….i dont think i can take more of it…..

Living the fear

Well just to continue on my previous blogs about this journey of mine in letting go of my son, here is the story of what happened…..

So last june 13, my son finally left home. Since it was my birthday, I asked my kids if we could possibly dine out, of course they agreed…they loved the idea in fact…however, my son reminded me that he had to leave early, I guess that somehow preempted my plans of asking them to watch a movie (the truth is I was trying to delay time so that he would change his mind of leaving the following day instead, obviously, it didnt work). Anyway, as we were eating, my son, surprisingly didnt have the appetite to gorge himself with his favorite dish, he ordered just a light meal and was secretly glancing at us as we ate. He took pictures of me and her sister and was extremely quiet. I, on the other hand, tried hard not to look at him for fear that I might break down right that moment. I tried cracking out jokes which i know turned out to be a slapstick.

After the meal, we went around, bought some stuff and just enjoyed the bonding moment we were having, then it was time to go home. When we entered the house, awkward silence prevailed, then my son sat in front of the pc and started his usual browsing, I laid down and was happy coz in my mind i knew he would be glued to his seat again and forget time. But unfortunately, it didnt happen, he stood up and said…”ma maliligo nako then aalis nako” my heart was beating so fast and was wishing time would slow down, i tried hard to stop the tears from falling, so i closed my eyes and probably dozed off for a few minutes. I was awakened by a kiss on my forehead and a whisper from him saying,”ma, happy birthday, i love you” then i opened my eyes and saw him all set to leave. I was just quiet and hugged him tightly and told him to take care, I couldnt say more coz i was already shaking and i guess he sensed that so he pulled away and called his sister and hugged and kissed her too. Then he jokingly said “bye ma, see you when i see you”….i just smiled and looked down.

When I heard the front door close, i ran to the window and peeked through, (wrong move on my end, i shouldnt have done so) I saw my son, looking back several times while he drew deep breaths and slowly walked away, when he was no longer in sight, that was when i gave in to tears. I couldnt stop crying, it was so painful seeing him go. I cried and cried until i fell asleep. When I woke up late at night the pain ensued.

Come june 15, I went to work wearing the usual smile and did the normal stuff. When I went home, that creepy feeling of loneliness came back. It was my daughter’s first day of school so I was left home, alone! As i entered my room, i heard nothing but the sound of the cars passing by, it was deafening for me. I tried to sleep but i just couldnt. My son texted me saying he wanted to go home and he missed us so much. There were things that he said that broke my heart. But then he was still positive, he told me, “ma, 4 na taon lang to mabilis din lilipas to magtatapos ako ng pagaaral ko because i want to be somebody someday, and you’ll be proud of me.” I know my son is just a few hours away from us and some of you might even say, “ang OA naman he can come home on weekends” at first I thought of that too but my son said, he couldnt come home on weekends because he has saturday classes and so I said we can come over to visit, he said it was ok but he was discouraging me from doing so because he says it will only make us miss each other more, so we agreed that we would meet probably once a month…and that for me my dear readers is hard….the longest time we’ve been apart was 2 days and i missed him tremendously then…i know i will get used to this, but its just hard for me at this point, so i just write these feelings down. Writing for me has always been a therapy, it keeps my mind off things. Oh well, I guess im just a mom who is so clingy to her kids…heck! i raised them all by myself and they have always been my source of strength and have always been inseparable…my son is right, after all these, we would all end up victorious….it would probably be a struggle as we journey on but like he said, ” Mom, believe me, its all going to be worth it!” AMEN!

My fear is finally taking place

Just a few months back, I wrote a blog about my son, Dj. It was all about my fear being at arm’s reach, sad to say, the time has finally come….Damnit, its not easy! I have been preparing myself for this for the longest time but i find myself falling on my knees and pleading to the Lord almighty to stop the hands of time, but of course that is not possible. Im sure Im not the only one who’s experiencing this unique form of heartbreak. Its not unrequited love–its the bittersweet act of sending a child off to college. If im not mistaken, i think they call this empty nest syndrome, this syndrome attacks even the most independednt women, i guess this is one of the biggest transitions of motherhood, next to childbirth of course.

On saturday, June 13, 2009,(my bday) is the day i wish would never come, my son, will be moving out and will be starting his college life. It is so gratifying to see that the child you’ve raised is finally making his own decisions about his future. I am happy and excited for him and at the same time, sad….extremely sad in fact..i wonder how our lives would be when we start living away from each other and not even knowing when he will come to visit….Letting go of him has been a gradual process over the years, I know he is ready but Im scared, freakin scared of the things he would deal with when he’s “out” there..the concerns just keep coming and will always be there.., 20yrs from now, i will still have concerns. Parents always have concerns, but these concerns change over time. And being the paranoid mom that I am you can expect heaps and heaps of these concerns…poor kids!lol…

People very close to me would know how erratic my relationship is with my son, damn! it sure is a love-hate relationship, we always have this seemingly habitual fights, its just second to nature BUT despite this relationship we are both aware of the love that we have for each other, he knows that HE is MY LIFE! and he knows when im in pain, he knows when im silently crying for help. And he knows that right at this moment Im helpless and lonely, I guess he has been helping me out by staying away from me. I know he will miss his nest, his mom, his enemy, his sister…his comfort zone. Everytime I look at him when he sleeps, i just break down and weep for hours and end it with a kiss on his forehead, in 2 days, I wont be able to do that anymore, all I can do is whisper into thin air my goodnight wishes and blow my goodnight kiss….it IS painful….sooo painful! I have to let this big lump in my chest out…as i write this blog, tears are just endless..i hope i run out of it and just be numb until he leaves…..to my dear son….soar high and reach for your dreams, we’ll always be the wind beneath your wings….love you beng!

Magnum Opus

If he loved me

Wouldn’t he show it

If he loved me

Wouldn’t I know it

If he kissed me

My world wouldn’t shatter

My life is a canvas

Covered in splatters

Not quite mistakes

But not purposeful either

The decisions I made

Are laid out before me

In a colorful array

My mistakes are

In shades of gray

The painting is on display

And I am told many times

That’s my magnum opus

Isn’t worth a dime

Maybe not to them

But it is to me

My life’s laid out

For the world to see

And they will say

What they may

I will listen and reply

From this day on to the day I die

Those different kinds of paints and dyes

Represent me during life

And they’ll represent me after I die.

Rainbow

Im back! well actually i was just forced to write a blog, a friend of mine kept nagging me to write a blog about rainbows, she wanted me to post it in fb but i opted to just write here as this was where I have always put my ridicules in writing….i dont know if I would make sense in this entry coz im quite a scattered brain at the moment, and my gosh of all topics, a rainbow?!? for cryin out loud I couldnt even recal the last time I saw a rainbow, anyway, i’l try my darnest best not to sound stupid and try to put some sense in it, so dear readers pardon me if sound silly here….lol

Well, we do know that rainbows appear after a storm and are a direct result of the refraction of light (like when the sun peeks through the clouds), they are often used to symbolize hope after a tragic event (like the loss of a loved one) or something more internal, like a deep inner struggle of some sort. (well sorry to say but I never had any inch of hope when i lost my loved ones) Anyway, they’ve been used throughout history to convey various messages, always positive due to their uplifting nature. They are often used as a symbol for good fortune, like in the popular Irish myth about the leprechaun and his pot of gold. In the Bible, the rainbow symbolizes God’s promise that the earth will never again be destroyed by a great flood. But I dont wanna delve into Bible issues as Im no bible scholar, that part i leave to my son, and in this case, its no like mother like son….lol ….says a lot huh??

Another popular use for the rainbow is to symbolize diversity. A rainbow occurs when a single beam of white light is separated in to its elemental colors, so it is a strong representation of people of all different backgrounds living in harmony with one another. Because it is a naturally occurring phenomena and every color is equally important in the composition, it emphasizes the idea that all people - regardless of where they come from or what they look like - are equal, and really just a “subsection” of one race - humanity

Sometimes the rainbow is used symbolically due to its intangible quality. It is human nature to want what we can’t have, so the short life of a rainbow adds to its allure. It is literally impossible to reach, but it holds such an ethereal beauty that people would seek it out anyway, perhaps with some fleeting hope of obtaining the impossible. It is true there are things in life which we think is hard or moreso impossible to obtain but a rainbow is there to keep us reminded that nothing is impossible with hope and sheer determination we CAN get there.

In life, perplexities, pain, loneliness, remorse are all inevitable. We go through these emotions at any given time, huh! talk about those, ive had a handful but I still went on, hell, I HAD to go on. I try to keep a happy disposition…..i repeat…I TRY! and just like the rainbow, sometimes we think that happiness hardly occurs, well I learned that everyday, we have the choice to live life fully its all in our hands. Never lose hope that after every loss(yup, now ive proven its true), a birth is soon to come….it comes in any form….and it happens at the right time just like the rainbow it is rarely seen but it shows at the right time. Live a life that makes a difference! Ciao!